Ten Costume Dramas That Fail

• Troy. Taking liberties with a story is not a crime, unless it is for no apparent reason and messes up entire character motivations. But that’s not the only thing wrong with this. Orlando Bloom is as convincing as a passionate lover as Gumby would be in this role. Eric Bana is usually good, but maybe Gumby’s pony pal Pokey would do a better job. Helen Whatsit as the face that launched a thousand ships? Well, OK, I mean she’s not my type, but when she opens her mouth to speak she KILLS the illusion completely. She might as well be saying, “Can I take your order?” Also — Calm down, Brad.
• Alexander. So many things to pick on. So so many things. I have to lay most of the blame on the doorstep of the script writer and the director. King Phillip united barbaric clans but here he is no more than a cave man. Colin Farrell screams and screams and screams and make it stop! I had no idea Angelina Jolie was a she-vampire from the Carpathian mountains.
• Titus. Based on Shakespeare’s most repellent work. NO version of this twisted bloodbath was ever going to be called “good.” This is horrific on every level. I wish I could forget I saw it.
• The Lion in Winter. Go ahead and hate me. I know this is considered Landmark Cinema and I used to feel the same way. But after seeing it lately and cringing at the borderline creepy dialogue, I have to say that this just does not hold up over time. It did motivate me to look more into Eleanor and Richard, though. So I’ve got that going for me.
• Tristan and Isolde. I like this story. But I think this version had two huge strikes against it. It was hard to follow (reading the story is much clearer … film just muddled the characters). And (huge) the casting was ridiculous. Are you asking me to believe Isolde would pine for whiny, sulky, angst-y teen wonder boy Tristan instead of Lord Marke? Really? Marke had it so going on. He could best Tristan one hand tied behind his back. Literally.
• Washington Square. Actually not an overall bad production. Good in many ways — except for Jennifer Jason Lee and her Clenched Jaws of Death. Why the hell do you always deliver your lines through a serious case of TMJ, Jennifer? Distracting. It’s like she’s imitating Kirk Douglas.
• Under the Greenwood Tree. I have no excuse. I fell asleep.
• Elizabeth, The Golden Age. It pains me because I wanted to like it. But come on…don’t you think it was kind of silly? You do. I know you do.
• House of Mirth. Hilarious Irony! I know it wasn’t supposed to be a Michael Bay film and I know I was supposed to see the characters’ subtlety and pain and layers of fraught meaning and catch their esoteric glances and swoony reactions but I didn’t. OK? I didn’t. I was just bored. Then Dan Akyroyd showed up and I perked up a bit, then I was embarrassed for him and them I went back to thinking about turtles. Or something.
• Middlemarch. A collective cry of pain and protest from Middlemarch fans everywhere! “How could you not like this?” I like the book. I really do. I felt like this 199? version almost made a caricature of some of the more complicated people and plots. (Except Raffles. I loved Raffles.) I also have to admit that just maybe many of the things that worked on paper would not work on screen regardless of how this story is adapted. They are taking another stab at this aghain with a new production in the works, and I am sure I’ll see it. But I think the book is always going to come out on top for me.

And…a few I lft off the list below of Costume Dramas That Succeed:

• Barry Lyndon

• The Duelist

• The Horseman on the Roof

• Gladiator